lonely

i feel so depressed this morning that i start to cry i don't know why i was crying i feel SO lonely all suddenly i guess i am lonely for my male friend that i had dream about i miss him so much i am wondering if he has think of me lately as i have i have not seen him for almost 4 years. I wanted to see him again, i know that we are very good friends. We do talk to each other once while. I am thinking of maybe see him again but i am not sure of when. But i will maybe talk to him about see each other someday like maybe meeting him in Chicago which is half way from his home and my home. Do something together while we are together in Chicago.
I wanted to shared my life with someone else and i wanted to love someone else. I never had long term relationship, i did nothing wrong. I am wonder why guys can't stay with me for long time. Maybe they look at me like i am ugly and feel embarrassed by being seen with me that make me feel maybe i am not beautiful. I am feeling so lonely that i felt i am not important person to guys my ex just blew me off last year deciding that we can't have relationship anymore that really hurt me so much that make me cry more often as i did try to kill myself 3 times that i am not worth to live that suicidal thoughts i have that lead me to therapy and i have been going to therapy once every week for a year now.
Now i am diagnosed as having fear of things around me as my mother used to hoving me and limiting me from what i wanted to do and control my life she used to not let me go with my local friends. She had been holding me down not let me go as i am trying to get away. But now Mother is letting me go as she sees me trying to be on my own as i wanted to be on my own. That make me feel good about myself that i can be on my own. I can whatever i wanted and mother is limiting herself from hoving me, and back off from controlling my life, that make me feel less fear but i still feeling depressed of course i talk to my therapist how i feel when i am feeling depressed. I don't have suicial thoughts anymore as i know that my life is important to me that i can lead MY life alone. I can't wait to do.